This Is Me Trying

I don't think I've made it any secret that I'm a Swiftie and one of my favorite Taylor songs is This Is Me Trying, I mean hell she even played it as her surprise song at the show I went to. So to say I'm emotionally connected to the song is an understatement. Folklore, the album that "This Is Me Trying" is on, was the album that made me fall in love with Taylor Swift all over again, and her Long Pond Session Documentary on Disney+ is one of my favorite things to watch.

In the documentary Taylor goes into more detail about the songs, what inspired them, and what she was thinking as she was writing them. - If you haven't watched it or don't think you're a Swiftie you should give it a watch. And her words, the words behind her words, connected me to the song in a way I hadn't expected. She and Jack Antonoff, the producer of the song, said, “The people who are struggling, no one pats them on the back every day, but every day they are actively fighting something. But there are so many days that nobody gives them credit for that.” When I heard those words I literally clutched my chest, her words hit me in a way I hadn't expected because it was exactly how I have been feeling.

I have been going through the worst breakup of my life. I was with someone for 5 and a half years and the further away from our situation I get, the more I realize how incredibly toxic it was and that realization has made moving through life so hard. To have to look back at the last 5 and a half years of my life and wonder if it was all a lie, to question why I spent so much time on one person who oftentimes treated me like the gum on the bottom of their shoe, to look at the person I became because of them and not fall apart every day is so incredibly hard.

I get better every day but not every day is perfect. There are days that trying to be a real person, to be optimistic, is incredibly difficult. Having to move forward with life and know that people are disappointed that I'm still in a funk and sad is really hard because the truth is I'm trying. Every day I'm trying to connect with myself, to find myself again, to love the person I am when the person I loved most chose not to love me back.

I had been looking at a lot of our breakup as a contest that I had to win. I had to be skinnier, and prettier, and happier, and feel no pain from the loss of him, and I had to have more people in my life to support me than he did, and I needed to move on first. I had this giant list in my mind and I genuinely thought that if I didn't hit all of those things I wouldn't "win." Which obviously makes no sense, there's no way to win a breakup and once I realized that all the stresses I had been putting on myself disappeared.

I realized that instead of needing to reach perfection like I had been trying so hard to do all I needed to do was try, and as Taylor Swift said, “Doing your best or trying is only something a person knows.”

I learned some things after my breakup that were really hard to learn, that really hurt, and obviously, I didn't react well to it. And I went through the full stages of grief: denying that it could be true, anger that he did those things to me, bargaining and trying to convince myself that there has to be an explanation for everything, a small spell of depression and feeling like his actions were a reflection of my worth, and finally acceptance.

But throughout that process I spent a lot of my time processing alone, not wanting to risk the vulnerability of showing someone how hurt I truly am about everything. And there was a point in which I was talking to my best friend about everything, about how hurt I was, and how I felt like no one was protecting my feelings or fighting for the hurt that I'm feeling, and she told me that it's possible no one knows how hurt I truly am because I don't allow anyone to see that hurt.

I woke up this morning from a pretty intense dream where he told me that he had never really cared for me. I woke up in literal tears, it's been months since the breakup but today was the first time I realized that I wouldn't be getting any closure. And as I moved throughout my day, smiling to my roommates, eating lunch with my co-worker, and chatting on the phone with my Dad; my heart was breaking at the idea that I'll never get the answers to all the questions I have about our breakup. Despite the pain I was going through I'm still moving through my day. I may not be as bubbly or as talkative as I usually am, but I'm trying.

I made a rule for myself when I started my blog that I wouldn't write about him, telling myself that I was choosing not to do so in order to preserve the beauty of our relationship. But I think I've realized that I was doing that to hide the parts of our relationship that were really hurting me and I'm tired of doing that. Yes, he hurt me a lot during our relationship, but I also need to own that I chose to stay anyway. As embarrassing as that is. I am truly embarrassed by how I allowed him to treat me. But part of my journey into acceptance has been acknowledging where I need to grow.

This is me trying. Talking about it, continuing to put myself out there in the pursuit of love, despite the hurt that he's caused me is me trying. I'm not sure if I'm ready to start anything new or serious, I honestly don't even know if I'm ready to be intimate with someone anymore, but I'm still putting myself out there. And when I see a cute person at a bar I still can't help but think that they could maybe be my person. I won't talk to them at all, but I'll still think about it. That is me trying. Me writing this, exposing myself in a way that I never thought I would, is me trying. Moving forward with a life without him, something I could have never imagined, something he promised me would never happen, is me trying.

None of this is perfect, I'm still hurting. Less so now than before, but the hurt is still there. And despite all that, I'm proud of myself. Of the growth, I've shown, for leaving something that wasn't serving me, and for trying every day to be better.

And so to anyone that is just trying, whatever that looks for you, please know that I see you and think you're doing amazing. Whatever trying looks to you, I want you to know that it's enough and I'm proud of you.