Help! I'm Scared To Have Sex Again

I have this thing about numbers. I like them, or at least certain ones. I hold a strange attachment to the ones I like and I hold on to them even if it's no longer accurate. If I see a number I like in my bank account I tell myself my bank account is that number even after I've spent a bunch of money and I'll do that with other numbers too. 25 - my age. 115 - my weight. And now 6 - the number of months since I've had sex.

Now none of those numbers are accurate for me anymore and I didn't realize the last one changed until I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Izzie is telling Alex that it'd been 8 months and 23 days since she'd had sex and that she was horny and needed him to fuck her. As I was watching this scene with the number 6 in my mind I told myself that once I hit the 8-month mark I'd have sex again because, like Izzie, I was horny. So I open up my calendar app and I start counting back to January. Now, I don't know the exact date of the last time I had sex, all I know is that it's somewhere between January 4th and January 20th. And as I was counting back I realized that I was actually already at 8 months, I'm actually past 8 months. I'm not the greatest at math so I do admit that I checked my work four times to be sure and each time I came to the same conclusion. I hadn't had sex in 9 months.

I'm not gonna sit here and act like 9 months is some massive amount of time to go without sex, I'm not gonna apply for sainthood or anything because of it. I mean I've gone longer than 9 months without sex before so this isn't even some personal record but this amount of time feels distinctly different for a number of reasons.

When I was with my ex we had a very active sex life but there were times when I would want to have sex and he wouldn't and he'd make me feel bad about it. He would tell me that my appetite was too much, that I was insatiable and it could be too much for him. Being "too much" was a common theme with my ex but having that applied to sex really fucked with my head. Especially because I used to use sex as a way of connecting with him. He wasn't the most affectionate or communicative person about his feelings. But, he told me once that he showed me how much he cared, and how attracted he was to me, through sex. So naturally I used sex every time I felt distant from him, even if I wasn't horny. Sometimes we'd have sex because I was horny and sometimes we'd have sex because I needed an extra level of reassurance in our relationship and my attractiveness. So yeah, none of that built the healthiest relationship with sex for me.

The last time I took a break from sex was 8 years ago. 8 years ago I was sexually assaulted and instead of taking the time to heal the way I should have, I jumped straight into a new relationship with a guy who was horrible for me. Look this guy was honestly a real loser but he seemed safe enough and I had just had my heart broken. We had sex before I was ready to because I was young and didn't know how to decipher when someone was just using me and then he ended up cheating on me. After that I decided I really needed a break from sex, I had been used and hurt too many times and I couldn't keep putting myself in that position. So I spent the next year being celibate and honestly the year flew by. I think the fact that I had so much trauma to work through really took the horny out of my body. I eventually re-popped my cherry with a very lackluster one-night stand, and a subsequent ghosting, that I decided another hiatus would be smart.

I know there's no way to guarantee that that's not gonna happen again, and that's not even really the thing holding me back. I'm not saying I've been a monk or anything, my tongue has been down some throats. But despite having had the opportunities to hook up I haven't been able to take the leap. A part of me credits this to my frontal lobe being fully developed now but honestly, I'm just pickier now. I can't just fuck to fuck, I have to feel some sort of chemistry with someone and I'm learning that's harder to find than I thought it would be. But what I think it really comes down to is, sex scares me now.

When I was younger I had this confidence in myself surrounding sex that was unmatched, I would walk into a room and I was convinced that I could get with any guy that I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I had my insecurities, you don't grow up with itty bitty titties and not have your fair share of insecurities. But it wasn't enough to deter me from feeling myself all the time. I put myself out there all of the time and I felt like I had this power that was exhilarating.

I don't feel that way anymore. I have more insecurities than confidence now, many of them stemming from the way men have treated me before, during, and after sex. The ex who would whisper sweet promises in my ear during sex but would ask me to drive home at 2 am after we were done, the ex who made me drive 3 hours to his place on my birthday for me to give him a quick blowjob before telling me he had to go to work, the ex who would say that I was his and no one else could have me but had a girlfriend the whole time and the ex that would tell me he loves a good pair of big titties and would never take my shirt off when we had sex. Time after time sex went from something fun to something disappointing, something that left me feeling used and not good enough.

There's a lot of things about sex that scares me now. I'm scared to get naked in front of another person. I've gained weight and while I know that's my ex whispering in my ear, it is something that I'm thinking about. I'm scared that having sex will prove to him what he always believed, I'm too insatiable. I can't stop hearing him disregard me when I would say that I wasn't just "horny all the time." Sex with him meant more to me because it was with him, I didn’t want to have sex with just anyone. The irony of me being scared to have sex with anyone else and him moving on less than a month after our breakup isn't lost on me. But there's this vulnerability to having sex now that scares me, and as I talked about in my Okay I Think I'm Ready To Be Hurt Again blog post, I don't know if I can open myself up to being vulnerable again. Not really.

Okay... so all of that is true. But, here's the thing. I really want to have sex again. I've been so touch-deprived lately that the smallest touch gets me horny. This guy that I find really cute ran his finger down my arm (in a non-sexual way) last week and let me just say that what he did after that (in my imagination) rocked my world - and trust me I'm a romance writer so my imagination is very thorough. But I'm fucking tired of my imagination. My vibrator has been putting in so much work I think I've somehow broken its rechargeable feature.

Mentally I know that I'm ready, I've even told my therapist that I'm ready. But I don't want to have sex with just anyone. I want the next person I have sex with to be the right person, but I don't trust myself to know who the right person is anymore. And honestly, I think that's kind of the point. Look I'm gonna say something here and maybe it's not the most feminist thing of me to say but whatever. My concern is that guys have become too nice. I want a man that, once we've crossed a line that makes it clear that I'm enjoying myself and want this, will grab me and ravish me. I want someone who wants me so bad, that once they have the green light, they go for it. I'm talking hands in my hair, tongue down my throat. I'm talking yanks my shirt up and grabs my tits. He needs to have his hands on me from the moment he knows he can until he gets the job done.

I've spent way too long having sex with someone who acted like they could've had anyone else in their bed and been happy, I want to sleep with someone who wants to sleep with ME not just anyone they can get in bed with.

I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place - or at least I hope I will be soon if ya know what I mean ;). No, but in all honesty, I don't really know what to do. I miss sex, sex is great. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love sucking a good dick. And not having sex makes me feel like I'm letting all those men from my past who've done me wrong win and I hate that more than I like sex. So I'm in the process of being ready, hopefully. Perhaps with the help of my therapist, at least one shot of tequila, and someone with whom I feel really great chemistry with I can allow myself to be vulnerable again. God, I really hope so.

Until Next Time!

XoXo,

A Whelmed Christy