Coming Out

Okay, here we go. I've been staring at this blank screen and at my keyboard for hours now. Knowing what I want to say and yet struggling to say it all the same. So I'm just gonna say it and then it'll be out there and we can continue. I am bisexual. So yeah, this may be a surprise to some people aaand it may not be a surprise to others. I mean it's not really a surprise to me (obviously). I spent a lot of my childhood and teenage years trying to explain away the feelings I had towards women and I don't want to do that anymore.

I've come out to my family and some close friends over the last year, since I fully admitted to myself that I am bi, and in the period between me admitting it to myself and writing this post I've looked back at all the times that I would try and "justify the gay away". It's almost comical the things I would brush off! Like if older Christy could talk to younger Christy, she would just be like "girl, you're overthinking this!"

When I was younger I had posters all over my wall, posters of the Jonas Brothers and Selena Gomez and the Twilight cast covered every square inch of my room and sometimes I would put on this pretty pink lipgloss and kiss my Nick Jonas poster goodbye before I went to school... and sometimes... I would also kiss my Selena Gomez poster. I would justify this in my brain as not wanting her to feel lonely. Like... come on Christy! It was obvious enough when I would feel jealous when male actors got to kiss Selena Gomez in shows like, me kissing her poster goodbye should have been a very CLEAR indication to me that I was bi. But forreal, Selena Gomez definitely gets a good amount of credit for me coming to terms with being bi.

Like come on

Speaking of sexual awakenings! My family is super Catholic and Latino which means we never talked about sex, which means that when puberty hit and I started feeling things I had no one talk to. Which means I turned to the internet! And on the internet I found a video that opened my eyes sexually and that video was Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair kissing in Cruel Intentions. I used to watch that video all the time, thinking that because it was two girls that it made it "safe" somehow, but in reality I just liked it. I would hide my browser history and have excuses ready just in case my family saw. Knowing that they wouldn't understand why I was looking at videos of kissing to begin with, let alone two girls kissing.

I, in no way, want to blame my parents for why it took me so long to come out. Buuut, growing up Catholic and hearing comments being made about homosexuality and the "right" kind of love definitely made me feel dirty about the way I thought about girls. My church never said anything negative about the LGBTQ community, but the didn't outright say anything positive either. I didn't really grow up seeing anyone from the LGBTQ community arround me or on TV, so all I had to go off of was comments I'd hear about the Bible and the Church, and Latinos in general, and how they view homosexuality. I mean, I grew up when gay was just a word you used to call things dumb and stupid... there was heavy negative implications to being a part of that community growing up that I kept trying to tell myself couldn't be bi because of that. I would tell myself that everyone found girls a little bit attractive and every girl thought about what it was like to kiss girls.

Obviously all of that's dumb, I'm bi and that's okay! So I want to address why I've decided to come out now. I texted my sister earlier telling her that I'm nervous to officially come out, worried if my girl friends will feel uncomfortable around me, that men would oversexualize me, that the bi community wouldn't accept me, and fearing that people would think that this was just a "step" to coming out as a lesbian. I had so many reasons why I was nervous to come out and my sister asked me why, then, do I want to come out now? I jokingly said convenience but it is partially that. I had already accepted and kind of "came out" to myself last year during pride month, I came out to some close friends, but because I wasn't publicly out I felt like I couldn't really celebrate pride month. With me fully being on bi tiktok I've felt this call to talk about it more and celebrate this part of myself.

But what it really comes down to, the real reason I decided to come out now is that I wish I would have earlier. I have had the honor of knowing (& following) an amazingly supportive and inspiring group of Latinx Bisexuals and seeing them embrace their culture while also embracing their sexuality was awe inspiring. I always knew Latinas could be bisexual, obviously, but in a culture that is so rooted in tradition I didn't see how I could come out, accept the fact that I could one day marry a woman, and still feel a part of my culture. I wanted to be a part of the inspiring group of Latinx Bisexuals instead of just observing from the outside, I want to be a reason someone decided to accept themselves fully one day.

So yeah, that's it! I'm Bisexual. A part of me feels like I don't want anything to change after this but the other part of me is ready to be a part of this community that I've watched from the sidelines as an "ally" for so long. To all my friends, to my family, to anyone who has maybe guessed that I'm bi; thank you for supporting me and loving me. Especially my sister, she was the first person I really officially seriously came out to, even though her response of "okay, what movie are we watching tonight?" was not as dramatic as I wanted, I appreciated that she accepted it and me so quickly. My sister told me the night I came out to her that she wasn't overly surprised so it's possible if you're reading this and you know me that you're not either! But if you are then surprise!

** I really wanted to name this blog post I put the Bi in Bitchin'**