Reclaiming my Sexuality
If you would have told 18 year old Christy that 24 year old Christy would hesitate before posting anything that even alludes to sex, she would have scoffed in your face. 18 year old Christy, hell even 20 year old Christy, was a proud reclaimer of the Slut word. I was a very outspoken Feminist that constantly talked about sex and her sexuality. That all changed. I have been through a roller coaster of feelings when it comes to my sexuality, but now I am reclaiming it for myself.
I've had body image issues my whole life. I was constantly teased for being flat chested, I was called a boy or gender less. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16. I used to dress more provocatively to try and show men that I was a woman, being more sexual than necessary to overcompensate for my lack of curves. When I finally had sex when I was 18, I hoped that I would see myself in a healthier way, that I would feel less like I had to prove that I am a sexual being for men to take me seriously. What followed was a complicated relationship of sleeping with men to try and find value in myself, craving love and assuming that sex was a way to get it. But it wasn't just sex, it was my view of my own body. I dressed skimpy and provocatively, posting thirst traps online looking for validation. It wasn't until I started dating someone who made me feel loved for myself that I was able to start changing my thinking.
It's interesting because I had initially stopped talking about sex because my partner wasn't comfortable with it. He's a very kiss and not tell kind of person, I on the other hand believe there's no such thing as TMI. But, out of respect for the fact that he's a more private person I stop talking about sex (unless it's girl talk because ya know girl talk doesn't count). Over time it became less about his views on me talking about sex and more on my own. I noticed that any time I posted about anything remotely sexual or even posted a sexier photo I would start having guys message me. Guys who I thought were my friends, guys who abused me in high school and wanted to act like they didn't, and guys I never met before. Insulted that they'd disrespect my partner by saying these things to me, angry that they would disrespect me by saying these things I would stop posting anything.
So here's the thing, over the last year I've gotten more and more frustrated with this notion of me not posting things or not dressing a certain way in fears of what others might say. The thing is, I am hot and I am sexy and I am a sexual human as most of us are. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm going to be 24 this year, and while that is still young, I'm officially in my mid-20s. I see these other women post beautiful photos either in skintight dresses, bikinis, or lingerie and I feel jealous. All I can think is "Damn, these women look fucking amazing. The confidence, the sexiness, the classiness, I want to do that." I was venting about this to my best friend this week and she said that she feels the same way, that while she's much more reserved now then she used to be, she worries that she's wasting her sexy years and she'll regret it one day. So I've decided I'm not going to regret it! Someone said it best, who you may ask...
"There is unbelievable power in ownership, and women should own their sexuality. There is a double standard when it comes to sexuality that still persists.... You can be a businesswoman, a mother, an artist and a feminist - whatever you want to be - and still be a sexual being. It's not mutually exclusive."
There's two main things that I've been working on recently when it comes to my sexuality. The first is the way I view myself and what I'm comfortable sharing with people. I've never been one to shy away from my love of romance novels, but sometimes I do get frustrated with the way people view me talking about romance. When I released my review on the Wicked Villains series, it was the first time I ever talked about my views on kink and bdsm. I was super nervous to put that out there and make my opinions known, but I also felt comfortable enough talking about these things because it was under the guise of literature. So here's the thing! It's totally okay to like kink and BDSM and pegging and if I do or don't participate in those things really isn't anyone's business. But I'm going to talk about it anyway because I'm tired of this negative stigma that comes along with it.
Negative stigma on things that are healthy is such bullshit. Talking about things that are healthy is important because it gives people the tools they need to do those things safely and properly. Pegging isn't weird, but not knowing what pegging entails and doing it without the proper communication or safety measure isn't okay. BDSM isn't dangerous as long as it's done correctly, as long as the Dom and Sub have clear rules and communication laid out beforehand. AND having sex, liking sex, using vibrators, wearing lingerie, sucking dick; none of that is wrong! My biggest issue that I have with people not talking about this stuff is that it makes others feel as if them liking these things is wrong.
So my first step is defining what I want to share with people and knowing that's going to change. Sometimes I want to be able to post a thirst trap and do it because I'm proud of my body. I've talked about my body image issues and my struggle with body dysmorphia, so when I feel sexy in my body I want to show it off because I'm young and I can. I probably will never be overly vocal about my sex life, but I will continue to be an advocate for sexual health and conversation regarding sex.
The second part that I've been working on is dealing with the fact that I can't control other people's reactions. Like I said, one of the things I struggled with was how men looked and spoke to me when I dressed more provocatively or talked about sex. I kept wanting to post photos of me looking sexy or tweet something that had to do with sex positivity, but the possible comments that I could get always made me stop and reconsider. But at the end of the day I don't want to have regrets in my life so if dealing with these comments is part of me feeling like I can express myself then that's what I'll have to do.
Note: It's a little dumb that some men haven't learned how to speak to woman respectfully. There's a difference between paying a women a compliment and objectifying them and being creepy.
I'm still working on this part, I still get frustrated when a guy honks at me when I'm walking down the street or when some random dude who has his girlfriends name on his instagram bio DMs me telling me he likes my tits. But what I've started to do is work on small ways to brush off these comments. Sometimes it's just ranting about it to a friend for a minute, sometimes it's putting on an angry fuck you song and jamming out to that, and sometimes it's taking cute photos of myself. These things have been helping center myself and remind myself that I'm not dressing a certain way for anyone other than myself. It reinstalls the confidence that I had in myself before that guy decided that my image was for him.
For some reason sexuality is such a taboo and divisive topic. I've always been someone who's been sex positive and have been feeling like I haven't been catering to this part of myself by keeping quiet. Not anymore! I'm a beautiful, successful, sex positive woman and I'm not going to hide it anymore!